Sally on Breasts: "A woman’s breasts are a journey. Her feet are the destination."

Jane on Being Single: "I really quite like being single. Except for the bit about not having a man."

Jeff on Too Many Legs: "This is the curse of Jeff Murdock. I meet the woman of my dreams and I can’t take my trousers off."

Jane on Sex: "I really thought I’d gone to his house, you know, to heal our spiritual divide. But it turns out I was just gagging for a shag. Those two are so similar."

Jane on Love: "I went on a course. Learning to love yourself. I came top."

Steve on Fabrics: "It’s not genetically possible for men to have opinions about fabric."

Sally on Patrick: "I’ll get the speech about how wonderful I am. Basic rule, isn’t it? More wonderful you are at the start of the speech, the more dumped you are at the end."

Jane on Vegetarianism: "Vegetarianism for me is about saying ‘yes’ to things - even meat."

Jane on Gynaecologists: "I’ve always wanted to date a gynaecologist. I wanna know I’m special."

Sally on Face Creams: "Patrick: You can’t prevent death with face cream.
Sally: Yeah? That’s what everyone thinks, but no-one’s ever used it in the quantities I do."

Jeff on Naked: "You know, when I was a kid, I used to write the word 'naked' hundreds of times on a piece of paper, and then rub my face in it."

Jeff on Mariella Frostrup: "Steve’s whole fantasy life revolves around Mariella Frostrup… If ever meets Mariella Frostrup in person his right hand will shout 'mother'."

SusanJeff on The Prickles: "Stage One. The prickles. You can feel the prickles starting all over your face. If you just think the word blush, your head will inflate to three times its normal size. And then you realise you’re not saying anything. You’re stuck on pause. And you’ve forgotten how to work your face."

Jeff on The Melty Man: "All of us in our time are visited by the Melty Man... Don’t say his name, Patrick. Don’t even think his name, or he will rise from the shadow dimensions to do his evil work inside your terrified pants."

Jeff on Sperm: "I am a prison for sperms. Those poor little tadpoles have been sentenced for life in Jeff Murdock’s groin. And let me tell you, that can be a pretty lonely place."

Jeff on Having A Girlfriend: "Having a girlfriend is like legalised sex."

Jane on Stalking: "Friendship’s more lasting than love, and more legal than stalking."

Susan on Jane's Breasts: "Jane’s breasts scare me. They’re like Mickey Mouse’s ears. Whichever way she turns, they’re still facing you."

Jeff on Women: "Women remember, Steve. It's like they've got minds of their own."

Jeff on The Arse: "When God made the arse, he didn't say, 'Hey, it's just your basic hinge, let's knock off early.' He said, 'Behold ye angels, I have created the arse. Throughout the ages to come, men and women shall grab hold of these, and shout my name.'"

SusanJane on Driving: Susan: "Just out of interest, how did you pass your driving test?
Jane: Morally."

Jeff on Apples: "I get very tense around apples... Well, I get very tense generally. I think I’ve fallen into the trap of blaming fruit."

Patrick on Female Friends: "Patrick: I don’t have an agenda. That’s a bit offensive, actually. I’m perfectly capable of being friends with a woman without any kind of agenda.
Steve: For how long?
Patrick: As long as it takes."

Steve on Men: "We are men. We are different. We have only one word for soap. We do not own candles. We have never seen anything of any value in a craft shop. We do not own magazines full of photographs of celebrities with their clothes on."

SallySteve on Australia: "Sally: As Susan's best friend I am to you a bit like Australia: very distant, largely uninhabitable and with areas of great danger.
Steve: Oh I get you, so I'm welcome in your Melbourne or your Sydney, but I'm not welcome in your bush!"

Patrick on Gayness: "I’m thirty-three, single, with neat hair. Even I think I’m gay."